me: Zeenat, what a woman! I can't put into words what she does in this picture.

Judy: Let me try,  --it's called  a wonderbra, there's a lot of sneaky lifting and separating going on in that dress.

Skid Marks

"Hey Judy, I got chocolate stains on my Dharam Veer cd. It's "dark" chocolate, the healthy kind with 88% cocoa beans ground up for my health. The wrapper on the dark chocolate also claims to ward off republicans, vampires, and death by chocolate. Anyway, I was driving around and it was over 1000 degrees outside and the bar was so huge that I had to set it down . A few minutes later it was all melted and gooeey but I persevered and ate it anyway even though it got all over my face and gave me a beard made of dark chocolate. I quickly grabbed an old newspaper from the back seat and wiped the chocolate off my face and then set the rest of the bar down on a stack of cd's --the topmost being Dharam Veer.  I felt really sad, I've had Dharam Veer in my life in cassette format  ( the old double apple ) or on cd for 90% of my life. I should have been more careful, that soundtrack has provided me with so much, and now it's all covered in dark chocolate and I'm too lazy to clean it."

"Listen kid, --Stop with the driving and eating already, It's so low class, dark chocolate or milk chocolate, pull over, eat the thing and then get on the road, and if you really cared about this cd you'd get off your ass and clean it."

Moist and delicious! Can you think of anything happier than a huge slice of golden yellow cake ? It's sunshine in a box.

Morning Ritual

me: Judy, when did you realize that you were getting older?

judy: Well, let me see, my husband and I used to have a morning ritual when we were younger --I'd wake up on Sunday morn and give him his weekly blow-job/hand job with his Sunday paper. Forty years later, the only thing that's hot and glazed around our house on Sunday mornings are the dozen donuts we eat instead. Contrary to popular belief and every edition of Cosmopolitan magazine ( which is really just the same magazine for 30 years), a really good donut is a viable option to sex, according to the Oprah 'ragzine. Trust me, Oprah's had a lot of sex and a lot of donuts.

me: How's your husband taking it?

judy: Not too bad. If he pokes his thing through about six maple frosted donuts, I might be tempted to go near it.

me: Wow Judy, you're a strong and powerful woman. I'm honored to be your sidekick. 

Nice Girls Do it!

Me: I just saw Abhimaan (1973) and I was surprised at how much I liked the movie --it would make a great remake now that everything old is new again. The movie felt fresh and didn't overstay its welcome. And there were three very funny scenes where Jaya( after the wedding of course) shows up at her husband's bedside and gives him the international "Give Me Big Indian Penis Now" look of desperation.  I recognized the look because I've seen the same zonked out GoD Am I Ever Going to Get It expression on my own face and some of my not so popular girlfriends. On screen, Jaya briefly pretends to resist so she doesn't come off as slutty and then quickly shimmies out of frame without bending at the knees ( I had no idea she was so flexible). The what me? expression on her face told me all I needed to know    --she was about to give her man "the gift." I don't know what he did to deserve the Blow Job. It was the 70's and people weren't giving them away like today where the BJ has replaced the handshake and the getting to know you butt sniff.  On screen, Jaya and Amit do their jobs too well and craft a rosy picture of married life that promises wall to wall sex at all hours of the day. Back when the movie opened, couples probably ran out of the theatre ripping at each other's clothes. And who knows how many reluctant young people gave into their scheming parents and got married just for the family approved sex that was the focus of the film. The movie actually had the nerve to make marriage the ultimate sexual fantasy, not the stuff the rest of the world had graduated to like pre-approved rapes and fisting (for the truly bored). Propaganda or not, Jaya's BJ ends with her head stuck in a huge patch of Amit B's chest hairs and a last call at the whore house grope that was hysterical but oddly sexxxy for a G-rated family flick. 

  Judy: Gee thanks, I'll put it on my Netflix, right behind Throw Mama From The Train. You know how I can't take a movie seriously if Jacqueline Bisset is not in it. The Deep, Rich and Famous, and Class, --now those aren't just movies, they're films. If I kick the bucket and Lifetime wants to make my life story, promise me that only Jacqueline Bisset gets to play me in the movie, and please, ---no Barbara Hershey, no matter now much "Boxcar Bertha" begs. That dried up old Naveen Andrews' dating cougar can forget it."