The guys I've been dating lately have been pretty weird to say the least. They're not the kind of guys worth writing about and definitely not the guys you would find inside a Seventeen Magazine or even a ratty old Soldier of Fortune. I take that back, they may be worth writing about, but for all the wrong reasons. I'm going to go ahead and write this icky stuff down, not only for myself, but for all the innocent guys and girls out there who don't know any better. There's no reason why my mistakes have to be repeated --since saving other people from the pain I have endured is what I'm about.
Okay, so the guys or types listed below have taught me a thing or two about myself, mankind and about what to watch out for. So pay attention dear reader cause it's you I'm worried about, ---not me. I'm already lost. So I contacted my inner Judy Blume and this is how the conversation went.
Me: Hey Judy, I went out with this guy who looked like a Lassa Apssho, one of those small bug eyed lap dogs that are all hairy and obnoxious and usually have this awful protruding chin. I don't know why I did it, I mean I knew right away that I wasn't attracted to this guy. But I kind of just closed my eyes and hoped for the best since I have so much faith in the universe and my ability to hold my breath and not vomit.
Judy: Listen, Darling, you shouldn't spend any kind of time or money on a man who looks like an animal. It's just not worth it; especially if you have a hard time looking at him. He isn't going to get any better looking. A dog is a dog is a dog. You don’t have to fuck this dog just because you don’t think you deserve better.
Me: But no, instead of running for my life, I go in for more. Why?
Judy: I am completely convinced now that you like to torture myself. There is no other excuse.
Me:Mr. Simson, my sixth grade English teacher was right, I am a MASOCHIST. Why else would I have been with that thing, taking his abuse and then coming back for more, WHY! And to make things worse his back was all hairy like an animal pelt.
BACHELOR # 2 Clean Down There.
Me: If you find a guy who doesn’t mind if you're "not clean down there?"
Judy: Shit, run for the hills. Shit! I mind if I'm not clean down there.
BACHELOR #3 Don't go out with the OOMPA LOOMPA.
Me: What about a guy looks like a crazy midget with real bad taste in clothes?
Judy: If he looks like a OMPA LOOMPA he probably acts like one too. Don’t fuck with him if he dresses like one too.
Me: Okay so when I saw a picture of this guy from way back, he had on this weird combination of huge block colors the likes of which I had not seen since CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. He had on a bright blue pair of pants, a red sweatshirt and a green sweatshirt wrapped around his waist.
Judy: Jesus, If he looked like a overgrown child, run. You made excuses for the clothes cause you were horny and just wanted some attention.
BACHELOR #4 Looks like a Frog / The Frogger Lesson
ME: It sucks when you're dating a guy who looks like a frog and then has the nerve to take you for granted.
BACHELOR #4 Looks like a Frog / The Frogger Lesson
ME: It sucks when you're dating a guy who looks like a frog and then has the nerve to take you for granted.
Judy: If the "Frog" really could care less, then don’t bother. He ain’t worth it. If you really mattered the "Frog" would do more work to get "it", meaning ass. If he doesn’t work at all for it, then he really doesn't want it. Don’t be the only one whose doing the chasing is all I'm saying.
Me: Like the only calls I ever got where the ones asking where my ass was so he could fill it up "nice and deep." Okay it seemed flattering at the time but when I think about it now, it sure is gross.
Judy: And this was coming from the guy who couldn't put more than two words together in a conversation. Honestly, why do you bother with these freaks?
BACHELOR #5 The Back Street Boys Lesson
Judy: If the guy listens to the Backstreet Boys that means he really listens to the backstreet boys. He's not kidding. So if you do not want to listen to the Backstreet Boys, do not bother. And when he pulls out that NICK LASHAY CD that he burnt and didn't even bother paying for, it's time to hit the road.
Me: It happened to me, but like an idiot, I stayed to see how much weirder the guy would get.
BACHELOR #6 thinks he's still in the MILITARY
BACHELOR #6 thinks he's still in the MILITARY
Judy: If the guy wants to beat you and fake strangle you then that’s an insight into some problem the guy has that could end with you dead. Also, when a guys jokes around that he wants to rape you, well, don’t hang around to find out if he does or sleep in the same bed hoping that he asks permission before he attacks. This lesson I learned before the SHIT HIT THE FAN.
BACHELOR #7 Mr. Studly Centerfold
Judy: If he’s a slut and sends you about 10 pictures of his ass, and J/O pictures, chances are that he's danger bay, a walking STD. Don’t be surprised when he says he has anal warts and he guilt’s you into hanging out with him. He probably wants to get naked with you and see how far you'll go, this happened to me once at a Greateful Dead concert in Berkley. You are definitely not the only one getting a peek at his naked ass. Don't even fool yourself--he's not taking them just for you and the list of guys getting those pics is very long.
