Verbal Abuse

"Judy, it's been a long time since I really exercised my vocal chords and had a real down and dirty verbal fuck you and your mother fight with someone.  These spats were usually reserved for the editor's of Omni Magazine ( now defunt), my sister ( sadly still in the same zip code), and the makers of Sergio Valenti Jeans (now available only in Seirra Leone and Haiti). Just recently I got into a fight with someone I was working with. I was so mad I wanted to kill, but all I could do was scream and use the ugliest words I knew! Words like Fuck, Shit, and Asshole --which were not as cathartic as they used to be since all the good expletives have worked their way into everyday life and the National Anthems of several emerging nations. So I had to resort to some original stuff."

"Let me hear it, this is going to be good."

"Okay Judy, here goes, after about 30 Fuck You's, I told this guy that he was Shit On Toilet Paper, then to make it even worse, I said he was Shit On Toilet Paper that was stuck to my shoe."

"That's the best you could do?"

"Well yeah."

"Sounds like you're out of practice but I have the solution. I think you need to spend a couple of weeks as a substitute teacher in an inner city school. That's a great environment to pick up some real verbal fighting skills, ---hardcore street stuff, words that would make a grown man cry. Where else do you think I came up with my all time favorites insults like "Frittata Head" and "Baboon Ass?" Next time you get into a scrap, page me, text me, I'll pick up and help, --it's what I'm here for."

"Thanks Judy, you have outdone yourself as usual."

I need a Marathon bar right now.

me: Zeenat, what a woman! I can't put into words what she does in this picture.

Judy: Let me try,  --it's called  a wonderbra, there's a lot of sneaky lifting and separating going on in that dress.

Skid Marks

"Hey Judy, I got chocolate stains on my Dharam Veer cd. It's "dark" chocolate, the healthy kind with 88% cocoa beans ground up for my health. The wrapper on the dark chocolate also claims to ward off republicans, vampires, and death by chocolate. Anyway, I was driving around and it was over 1000 degrees outside and the bar was so huge that I had to set it down . A few minutes later it was all melted and gooeey but I persevered and ate it anyway even though it got all over my face and gave me a beard made of dark chocolate. I quickly grabbed an old newspaper from the back seat and wiped the chocolate off my face and then set the rest of the bar down on a stack of cd's --the topmost being Dharam Veer.  I felt really sad, I've had Dharam Veer in my life in cassette format  ( the old double apple ) or on cd for 90% of my life. I should have been more careful, that soundtrack has provided me with so much, and now it's all covered in dark chocolate and I'm too lazy to clean it."

"Listen kid, --Stop with the driving and eating already, It's so low class, dark chocolate or milk chocolate, pull over, eat the thing and then get on the road, and if you really cared about this cd you'd get off your ass and clean it."

Moist and delicious! Can you think of anything happier than a huge slice of golden yellow cake ? It's sunshine in a box.