Verbal Abuse

"Judy, it's been a long time since I really exercised my vocal chords and had a real down and dirty verbal fuck you and your mother fight with someone.  These spats were usually reserved for the editor's of Omni Magazine ( now defunt), my sister ( sadly still in the same zip code), and the makers of Sergio Valenti Jeans (now available only in Seirra Leone and Haiti). Just recently I got into a fight with someone I was working with. I was so mad I wanted to kill, but all I could do was scream and use the ugliest words I knew! Words like Fuck, Shit, and Asshole --which were not as cathartic as they used to be since all the good expletives have worked their way into everyday life and the National Anthems of several emerging nations. So I had to resort to some original stuff."

"Let me hear it, this is going to be good."

"Okay Judy, here goes, after about 30 Fuck You's, I told this guy that he was Shit On Toilet Paper, then to make it even worse, I said he was Shit On Toilet Paper that was stuck to my shoe."

"That's the best you could do?"

"Well yeah."

"Sounds like you're out of practice but I have the solution. I think you need to spend a couple of weeks as a substitute teacher in an inner city school. That's a great environment to pick up some real verbal fighting skills, ---hardcore street stuff, words that would make a grown man cry. Where else do you think I came up with my all time favorites insults like "Frittata Head" and "Baboon Ass?" Next time you get into a scrap, page me, text me, I'll pick up and help, --it's what I'm here for."

"Thanks Judy, you have outdone yourself as usual."