I Was Hoping the Sheer Power of My

 Love Would Draw Him To Me.

I know this girl who's still in love with an ex-boyfriend even though it's been 20 years since the breakup. They dated in high school and she was convinced he was the one ---even though he dumped her for another, and stayed away from her at all cost except when she was nearby and desperate for attention and he was desperate for a free yank or a blow-job  --and only if other women were scarce. It was obvious to everyone but her that he didn't give a rats ass about her.

After a big chunk of time and a lot of turnover in the cast of Saturday Night Live, she got married and divorced, went through a million hookups and hours of cyber sex, but still kept her love for this guy alive. One day, out of the blue, she read in the paper that the guy's father had passed away and that the funeral was on that very day. Sensing a great opportunity to throw herself at the guy and show her respect for the dead  at the same time she decided to go to the funeral.

At his father's funeral, she got what she wanted --her ex, overcome with grief over the death of a parent, finally saw her as a human being, --he talked to her, stood by her side and leaned on her solid twenty year old love for him all through the service. He needed a shoulder to cry on and she was so happy that it was hers. She saw the funeral as a great turn in her luck and even told him that they should get together before he leaves ---promising more with her eyes and her body then she could say over a casket --it finally seemed that 20 years later, there was a small hole in his love life for her to burrow into, to dig in for the long haul, and be there when he was ready to deal with her love. No matter how lame it all sounded or how many self help books she read that told her to run for her life, she was ready to wait for him till the end of time in the love bunker of her mind. 

She left the funeral full of hope and decided to test the fates and her love. She remembered this one spot that they had shared on a date a thousand years ago,  a tacky community Gazebo by the beach that was all concrete, dog piss and bad lighting. For some reason she felt possessed by the desire to go there and wait for him even though nothing had happened between them for her to think that he would be there --neither one of them made any plans. At the Gazebo she waited and waited,  hours went by and finally she gave up and went home, sad and alone again. She had his number, she could have called him, she could have followed him home from the service. Why she was suddenly struck with the notion that he would mysteriously show up at a Gazebo he barely remembered is beyond me. 

When she told the story she explained her actions without a bit of irony or a laugh track . "I was hoping the sheer power of my love would draw him toward me." Those 14 words were the funniest I'd heard outside of an episode of Dynasty but the girl was serious. It sounded more like something Crystal Carrington's would say if her private jet crash landed over Aspen, hoping her love for Blake would draw him and the search party towards the wreckage --but in the real world, the declaration of love seemed really strange.

"Judy, what's wrong with her? Why does she let this happen to her?

"Well," Judy answered me ,"sometimes you see a face or you hear a voice and it connects with a memory in your head, in that place where you keep your secret diary with the rainbows and unicorns and the names and pictures off every boy  you ever wanted. If you meet a guy who triggers a memory here, it's going to end with you acting retarded unless the other person feels the same way--kind of like Andrew Stevens and Morgan Fairchild in The Last Seduction. 

"I hate Morgan Fairchild, she spends half that movie in a hot tub and her hair never gets wet."

"Don't hate on Morgan, her career is going on four decades, you're lucky if you have her career.

"Okay fine, I love Morgan Fairchild."

"Anyway, Andrew loves Morgan's character so much in the movie, he can't see how crazy he's getting. In his mind his love is so pure he knows that Morgan will understand."

"He's pretty creepy, yuk."

"So is your girl friend,  There are probably lots of people in her life that she could love that are just as great as this one dude from her past." 

"But Judy, you don't get it, sometimes you fall in love with a face and you go nuts, you don't even know the person but you are convinced that the sheer power of your love will draw him to you, ohh FUCK! now I'm saying it, man that's retarded, and pretty damn lame."

"See what I mean."

"I get it, Judy, you're the best. Ahh Judy, can you set me up with your son Lawrence?"

"Back off Scarlet, Lawrence is straight, married and with children. Get your ass to Nobb Hill and the bottomless boys who get paid to have you oggle them before you do something as silly as fall in love with someone who doesn't know you exist."

"----but if he only knew how much I Lov-"

"If you say one more word, I will never talk to you again."

"Okay fine.

" Don't make me turn into Suzy Orman, she will tell you what a pathetic loser you are and you will run out of here crying."